There we go again boys, I know it`s been a while, I guess a week or so, but with good reasons!
I think I wrote it somewhere in a post but anyway usually wwhen I`m not writing/posting for some time it`s because there is something wrong in my life and I`m trying to fix it.
I kinda see really pointless in writing to tell you guys to change your life if I`m not doing it myself, I`d rather focus on my problem and solve it and then write about it. Always found better when “advising” people if I can give a personal example, something to say you know, this is actually possible.
So I was kind of looking for a job here in Ireland but not really I mean I would go out and start looking for it but ended up getting tired of it pretty soon, tired of looking for a job and then in the evening being almost moody because I didn`t really accomplish anything during the day.
It`s really slippery slope distracting yourself from the main thing while doing something that is still usefull but can be postponed.
Coming back to the main subject, I started feeling lonely and stuff because of low motivation, I almost thought I wanted to go back, almost.
Then one day I woke up earlier and decided to have one more try and organized the day: I would go to the hairdresser(I really needed it), then help in the hostel as usual a few hours then go again droppin CVs left and right.
Went to the hairdresser, because of family genes I don`t have much hair and again because of “male family genes” I`ll be bald or almost before 30 years old, it`s ok I know it`ll happen and I`m at peace with it.
After the cut I discover this is happening way sooner than usual, alopecia, I believe everyone know what is it(basically there`s a “hole” on the side of my head) and it honestly broke me, I didn`t expected it. Went back at the hostel and you know, I just decided to try my best again and really put an effort and that happened, felt like shiet and first thought that come to my mind is basically “I`m just gonna get stupidly wasted and see”, going to add it was like 9/10 in the morning, nothing surprising as it`s something I already did in the past.
On the other side I didn`t want to give up, that`s one of the thing I`m running away from and I feel better so after 20/30 minutes of mumbling I opted for a nice and healthy run!
After helping in the hostel I was still feeling pretty bad but I went out anyway and I tried my best to get used to the fact people can see I`m missing hair, like sitting on a bench in the middle of everyone, even managed to drop a couple of CVs.
And started feeling better, I mean I honestly cannot do anything about it and it`s not even my fault: I know often is also due to stress and who knows me or have read any of my blog knows I`ve always dealt super badly with it so whatever.
You know what? Morning after i recieve a call from one of the places I left my Cv the day before and was asking me if I was free to pass by for a quick interview. This was actually last week`s thursday: I went and we talked a lil bit, everything seemed nice to me and he was like yes yes we will let you know as usual.
Let`s say two hours-ish later, I get another call from him asking me if I wanted to go the following day for a trial(restaurant), I went and everything was nice! Everyone was really friendly and the vibe was just great,the place was really small compared to the one I used to work in London and this means less customers at the same time.
Apparently it went pretty damn good because they asked to come on Saturday aswell and everyone seemed happy with me. On saturday I got my contract boys, I actually got a job, a really nice and “easy” one, and it all worked out in the end.
There are still a few things that need to be fixed in my life and a few details about the job that will need a couple of weeks to be organised but it`s just kinda minor things.
For as bad and dark things may seem at first don`t let them bring you down, sky can`t stay dark forever.
Change does not happen over night, unluckily.
It takes time and effort, sometimes more and sometimes less and usually the bigger the change the more it takes.
This, tho, shouldn`t scare us, this shouldn`t make us stop pursuing the change we want to achieve instead it should motivate us meaning that there is still lot to do and the work is not finished yt.
Usually when I`m not writing/posting it`s because I`m trying to fix/change something or there is something wrong in my life; let`s say there is something disturbing me and often I`m not noticing it as soon as it happen. When I notice it it takes effort to start changing it and of course it`s not easy.
So when it happens I see no reason in writing something because I`m not motivated, where is the point in keep on telling you guys to improve and all that stuff when I`m not? I`d rather wait, focus on the nuisance/mistake/whatever and, when I`m done and everything is fine again, write about it.
I imagine it would be really dumb and pointless to write about something while doing the opposite or write about something I don`t believe in.
I kind of got super lazy lately, not in a way that I`m doing nothing all day watching tv series, in a nicer way; I kept procastinating the more important stuff while “convincing” myself I was stil being productive writing and doing other secondary stuff. It`s not like I was doing nothing, I was still doing something usefull but in my head I was saying like “You know, it`s ok if you`re not doing this (which you should really need to start doing!) because in the mean time you are focusing on writing (which is still good but not really what you should be focusing right now) and I`m really good at this!
But today I actually managed to do both, not in a perfect way but you know, I set the ball rolling and we can start from here, I`m fine with it.
Random life update time.
So if everyone has read a few of my post you`ll know I have a girlfriend, we love each other and it`s beautifull.
And we live in two different country.
I mean it`s bad but not that bad, we haven`t seen eah other in a month and a half ish but if everything goes as planned she`ll come visit me twice in October and November and for Christmas we`ll both go back to our families in Italy.
It`s sad because of course I do miss her but I`m loving the kind of relation we have and that makes it worth it, we boh love to travel around, mostly alone, so we have to accept compromise but you know it goes both ways.
I love it because she always takes out the best of me and push me to keep on improving, important note is that I`m not doing it for her but for me; I do love when she is proud of me, the feeling is great but it`s a plus we should do stuff because we want to not because someone wants us to.
Also, we have a lot of freedom as in she works a lot and I love having my space/time alone while not minding the phone so we are not spending the day just texting each other! To be honest every once in a while, she works in a hostel, the job takes most of her time and I`m kinda sad because she is not answering but then I realize that and I kinda feel dumb.
But anyway, it does take a lot of “effort” as it`s not an easy thing and to be honest again I wouldn`t wish this to anyone because the thing is I woulnd`t be happy with a normal/boring/seeing each other every single day and doing eveything together relationship; for a little bit? Yea but totally not on the long run.
So a week has gone by and if I have to be honest it`s been kinda fast! I mean it`s not the first time I`m away from home and I really like the feeling of complete freedom. Tried to ride the momentum of productivity and, of course, it could`ve gone better but I really can`t complain. I actually managed to grab the new number today, wish I did it earlier but had a few inconvenient.
General thoughts the hostel is super quiet and not too far from the city centre which is great, not many guests and the “job” there is super easy; sayin “job” cause it can`t really be called job as it`s 4/5 hours in the morning of like cleaning and presence in which I can manage myself with almost no one controlling.
This leaves a lot of time so I`ll have to start looking for something cause you know, money.
On the other side my boss is from Pakistan, nothing bad in this, but he keeps cooking spicy food which IS NOT my favourite but you know you got to adapt.
I was even able to go running a couple of times and I really want to keep that up because it makes me feel good and I also found a great spot to go (it`ll probably come up in some pics during this experience).
And overall feels so damn good to be travelling again, there is always that scary side from going in a new place or being alone but you know it`s all add to the experience.
Last but not least, I know it sounds super sad to say, but I`ve been sober for over a week! And I`m happy about it because it didn`t happen since last year`s June.
“Why do you bother?” I`ve been asked several times, why do you bother even tho you know no one is going to read? Or again it`s because you think you`re better?
“This” started as a way to communicate, it`s easier to write than to talk to people so that was the reason that pushed me, my girlfriend too suggested it and after a while I gave it a shot and gotta admit it does feel nice.
So no, I totally don`t think I`m better that anyone else! I found my mind get calmer while writing and I believe it`s a nice way to show people the experiences I`m going through.
It`s not like I think I`m smarter so I can teach people, that`s not me, i believe in self improvement tho and I`m mostly trying to motivate and push myself and if the meantime I`m able to “motivate” someone to make a change in is life well that just makes it all worth it.
It`s not like I`m writing to achieve something, just something I like and makes me feel better.
While writing to change and improve is ok it`ll be pointless if I say something and do something else so this place is also gonna be about my experience and travels.
So cheers guys if you wanna accompany me, promise it won`t be boring.
I’m actually leaving, again.
This time tho I’m not running away from anything as I’m fine stayin home, I’m just happier when traveling and I’m curious about new places. Pretty much a couple of weeks ago I decided but it’s only now, 4 days away, that I’m actually realizing it and of course it’s scary but it’s a good feeling; it’s scary cause it’s a new place, new people and new everything but on the other side it’s not the first time, I already did it once and it went awesome.
Not a easy thing getting one-way flight, you know when you’re leaving but have no idea when you’re coming back but the excitement, the mixed feeling of fear and curiosity makes it worth it. Who knows what I’m getting myself into? Who knows what is gonna happen? Who knows how is gonna be?
And that leaves the answers completely free, up to me to make it a nice experience and up to me to make it a bad one and that, my friends, is the freedom everyone should be craving for.
Talking, or in this case writing, about a problem helps; helps realising it, accepting it and making you able to react better. Or at least that’s what I’ve seen.
This time topic is fear, fear in general, the fear of failure, the fear of traveling and, in my case, mostly fear of taking decisions. I like many things and would love to do even more but I’m afraid to actually decide one of them in particular so that I could focus and work towards it because I could fail. Even more than the fear of failure, the fact that people believes in me and telling them I wanna do something in particular only to fail and disappoint them is blocking me.
Just by writing this I realize how retarded it must sounds. If they are so easily disappointed are they really people I should care about? I guess life is mostly about failing and then tryin again, not giving up. And if I care about them am I really sure they’d be disappointed rather than supportive and helping me get through it?
Super low expectations of people which is wrong.
Guys in the end it’s fine to do mistakes, everyone does, what matters is how you act and react after them. I really can’t keep on stopping every time I’m facing a small wall.
Cause fear is what kills people and of course in not talking about physical death, I’m talking about your mind.
It’s like a dark hole and the more you let her linger around the harder it gets to get out
I went for a walk with a friend yesterday and during the evening we kinda saw an old friend inside a museum, old friend with whom we`re not friends anymore cause reasons but I`m sayin this because the friend I was walking with started ranting about how this guy is always posting pics of food and fancy things and stuff and how he just wants to “show off”. I honestly don`t really care but it made me think.
A couple of days earlier I went out with friends and after a while we decided to head over a bar on a lake`s beach, a really nice place but, being it a Saturday, was full of lads*. Normally it doesn`t matter but what was weird was the kind of lads over there, all of them dressed the same, tight jeans and white/light blue shirt, just a few of them were drinking and almost no one was talking! Basically they were there in groups of 4/5 just showing off, looking at each other and showing the Facebook`s world they were in a cool place.
Gotta admit at first I was overwhelmed and tried to act cool and though and look at them but I realised how retarded that was, already enough dumb people and there`s no need to join them.
After that thought it actually became a lil funnier as I made visible my septum, went to grab a “London style drink” and just enjoyed my time with friends ain an actually nice place.
What I`d like to say is why does it even matter so much what people thinks or how nice are they dressed? What`s the point in showing off and tryin to appear super cool when in reality the substance, your inside are empty?
And I`m pretty sure if you`re reading this you`re like me so please, hold on and don`t become like them.
*Using lads over here instead of “people” as those were the exact example of what I imagine lads to act and look like, like peacocks showing off .
Sorry peps, I promise this time I`ll try my best to be more constant; reason I wasn`t is also the topic of this post.
This week is gonna be about expectations, not really “love expectations” more like in general as it`s something I keep falling for, every once in a while or right after I accomplish something and reach a particular goal I get kinda lazy.
not about expecting, hoping and wishing, it`sabout doing, being and becoming.
It actually took a few weeks to realize it and it hurts cause I wasn`t even thinking about it! It just popped into my mind. Spent some time home and honestly had no idea why I wasn`t feeling ok, by now I know I was, hands down, throwing away my days literally wasting my time. Of course nothing happened and I was almost mad about it!
Life is not easy , we can start with this week and then go on from there but stop expecting things to happen, it doesnt work like this. Gonna use an example here, life`s like a field and it does not grow plants on it`s own you have to actually put efforts and plant the seeds take care and after a while you`ll get something but after that it`s all over again! Yes you made progress, which is great, but it doesn`t become automatic you gotta plant the seeds again and keep on putting efforts.
So focus on this one, work hard towards something and when you finally reach it use the momentum and start working towards something else straight away. It doesn`t always get easier but you know you can do it once again.
My granma used to say “the less you do, the less you would do”.
I`m always feeling like I haven`t really wrote much about the Camino and it`s not like it`s wrong but there`s just so much to say about it, probably just didn`t have much “motivation” to do it so here I am.
Met a friend whom I`ve known for a while and like everyone he asked how it went and you know what? I went amazingly.
In a more detailed way and if I have to be honest it`s been an awesome experience but it didn`t change my life.
Most of the people I met/talked with over there told me the Camino changed their lifes and changed their mentality, more precisely it changed the way they saw things which is great don`t get me wrong! It`s just most of these people were people who almost never got out of their city so the only reality they knew was “small”.
I mean is not hard to see, you spend most of your life in your city, barely moving out of it and then you go on a 1 month journey across spain meeting people all over the world, mind blowing.
However let`s leave this for a while, I`m gonna write more about this later, and “focus” on me. It barely changed me, still got the same dreams and insecurities, the thing is, now, I`m fine with it.
I`m not a different person, I`m mostly the same, the biggest difference is that now I`m happy to be it.
Travelled a lil bit, spent some time here and there and got friends all over the world and made my experience, doing the Camino made me aware that, apart from millions of flaws, I`ve got qualities too and altough I`m not gonna ignore the bad things about me no one should make them the only things that represent them.