Her.

Little summary I was in London on holiday to see my girlfriend after not seeing her for like a month ish and now I’m on the bus which will bring me to the airport and I’ve got the idea of using this post as a “timeline” as in I’m just gonna add thoughts as time pass.

So jumping right in, 02/06 , just spent 4 days with her and it’s been absolutely great. To be honest one night I even told her that I love her, I’m quite young and I have no clue what love is,but If I knew or if there was a proper definition or a real description of the feeling on the dictionary i know it would describe exactly how I feel about her, how I feel around her.             And you know what, I’m not even that mad that she didn’t reply, just a little, but the way I see it she shows me she loves me every single day, every single day I feel grateful for having her cause I’m the worst.

Again almost every day I wonder how can she still be with me so I don’t know really but in constantly thinking ways to try to show her how much I care. And the worst part? Not only I won’t see her for the next 2 months ish but for a month I’ll be pretty much  AWOL, walking in the middle of nowhere with no internet and she’s fine with it! She’s happy for me making this experience, that’s how smart and mature she is. FYI, we’re 21. Edit 14/05, turns out yes she was fine with it but there were consequences.

Took me a while to get back here but it’s been complicated, not sure if I’ll ever show this to you but, 09/06 apparently we re not together anymore, it’s really annoying tho cause it’s not like we broke up, you decided to have a break while I’m walking and I honestly don’t know how to feel about it.

I still love you, a lot but lately it really seems you re not happy, not only for the distance, there must be something else as I try my best to “satisfy” you, I mean if something is bad I changed it according to what you prefer but for how many times I change it it’s never fine. And oh god how annoying is that.

It’s just I don’t wanna lose you, even if probably I already did, and I have no clue what to do or say as you seem so fucking chill every time, it really seems as nothing it’s happening to you and I’m here freaking out, yay.

In the end I love you but I have no fucking clue how to make you happy and it’s killing me but it’s ok, just need to be patient a little longer. Btw it’s like 4 in the morning.

12/06 really early morning, like 3am, you know how difficult sleeping can be sometimes. But yep, on Friday I’m going for my pilgrimage and I’ll probably be missing for a month and, honestly, I have no clue where are we as in what even is our relationship? I know 100% something happened, apart from us being in different places, and it’s legit killing me cause right now I can’t do anything and I’m not even sure what is it.

No idea how Is gonna evolve but iliterally thought every single possible matter and I don’t know, each is worse than the one before. I’m “fine” with whatever decision you re gonna take, “fine” as il be sad as fuck but I’ll accept it even if it’s a bad one.

So many memories. There’s plenty but this one just came to my mind, we were sleeping in P but not together, you were in the bottom one, was like 3am and of course both awake, I was writing down something and at a certain point you raised you re right hand looking for mine and for a while we were just there holding hands like two retards, felt great.
I just realized I could literally go on for like days but better not.

Back, kind of. 14/05 and actually yesterday I left home for my walk, I was deeply scared but, as always, you made things better, you sent me a message super short, nothing special but it meant a lot as in gave me some hope.
And last night, strangely, I was thinking and I decided to send you an audio.
It actually took me like 35 minutes to decide as I had no idea of the possible reaction.
It was no special audio, just me saying that a care a lot and that a little walk is not going to change my mind, in the end I like you and pretty much anything can change that.
Whats more I’ll always come back, no matter what.
And then you received the audio and today, after walking for 7 hours up a hill/mountain and under the rain i received your message saying that you appreciated a lot.
Honestly I can not describe that feeling.
Meanwhile you sent me a little “poem” aswell and, you’ll know only when I show you this, but I wrote it down in a couple of books somewhere so random pilgrims like me will discover that a random Alberto loves a random Alessandra and will always come back to her.
And off I go, till next time 🙂

15/05 1pm fuck me I love you and I miss you what am I even doin here when I could be there.
15/05 10:28pm today, for the first time I looked something up in the guide you gifted me, the other couple of times wasn’t really reading but hey, it’s not cause I don’t care, I appreciate a lot! I’m just not that type of guy and you know it!

17/05 5.57pm this morning the weather was quite nice so was like less stressfull.
Basically was thinking you said often that you can’t be strong for me aswell and all that stuff but you got it the wrong way and I didn’t know how to explain properly.
I want you to be my rock as in my life is a wreck but I want you to be something stable in it, something always there and a rock because if I’m feeling like shiet I know I can lean for a little bit.
I feel like a air baloon, a fucking glider, always up there by nature always going randomly up.
I need someone that knows me, that knows I like to be alone, even more to isolate myself but if I do it too much I become too distant with things so as a baloon that keep trying to go up I need someone that sometimes pull me a little closer.
I want you to be the person holding my thing because you know me.
I’m gonna use a geeky metaphor but you know I’m a nerd, I want my relationship to be like a bolas, if you do not know what a bolas is is basically a little ball attached to a thing then to a ring and then the same thing on the opposite side of the ring.
Basically in the ancient times they used to throw it, one ball goes first and launches the second ball which is attached so it keeps “launching” himself forward for a little while.
Really complicated but should give an idea, one goes first and then push the other one but it keeps going.
It took a little while but if I use only one metaphor it doesn’t really give the idea.
So that’s how I see it and it’s take it or leave it.

19/05 2.52am I was literally dreaming of you sending me messages, nothing special, the dream was just like reading your messages.
I know I’m starting to go completely mad and it’s scary.

19/05 4.50pm i dont even.
There’s already tons of stuff I’d love to talk with you and it’s just been a fucking week.
Like literally, tons.
I realised today, if it works between us I’ll probably wait a little longer before showing this.
If it doesn’t work “cause of you” I’m totally showing this 100% like a goodbye, out of your life.
And if it doens’t work cause of me, which honestly is the least likely to happen, I’ll probably show it cause it will contain my walking thoughts and there will probaly be an explanation.
P.s. I truly hate you, like deeply.

20/05 3.52am today, again, I woke up dreaming you and it’s getting seriously painfull.
12.31 today we passed a wooden bridge with many phrases and I wrote half of “ours”, da qui.

23/05 8.50pm I’m confused.

16/06 its been a while, currently at the airport but i promise when i come back ill do something more.
For now im still kinda confused byt i miss you and i really wanna talk with you, no idea of which conclusion we’ll reach but just wanna talk and ill be fine anyway

19/06 3:50am been home for two days, kind of wanna text you but im scared, no idea whats going on in your head
Also i kind of wanted to wait till i had an idea of when ill come back to london cause i dont want it to be awkward and if i would just write it would be
But I actually miss you aftet all

20/06 4am i actually thought this earlier but dint have the chance to write it down, one of the things i really lovebis the fact the we know each other as in theres a few things we do “automatically”, c’e affiatamento, sometimes I went to get drinks and you were like Yes people, thats my boyfriend or I knew if I was gonna smoke a fag I couldve rolled 2 cause you were coming too or others small things that you get/unterstand after you spend a little while together (7 months ish is not that little tho, to me at least)

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